All You Can Eat

Eat Eat more Kielbasa smoked sausages

More chicken ‘n


Drown the fries with melted cheese, spread on

Extra mayo

Carry it globed at the corners of


Forget the napkins

Fish Almandine covered in

                                lemon juice

Homemade, hand-pattied hamburgers

Squeeze out the grease with spatula

Cuts of onions sizzlin’

                        in animal fat.

Mounds of buttered mashed potatoes with

Giblet gravy

Buttered rolls next to glistening

Mountains of stuffing

Canned stewed tomatoes in ground beef

Pork chops, breaded

Texas Hash followed by

                                  200 calories of pound cake


For Beer Sunkist chocolate milk Mountain Dew sugar water

Careful heart attack,

                      disrupt flow of blood

Arteries, clog

Orda a pizza with the works

Deep fried doughnuts


                  In sugar

Twenty Buffalo wings to the couch

                                              And burp

Too much salt!

Baby Back Ribs! Baked potato

Fudge nut brownies

Forget the salad bar.

Everyday a few mushrooms.

A mini big spoon of Mac & cheese will do

Fill the plate high

Throw in some cut up greens, cabbage

Check yr cholesterol,

Take a shot for diabetes

& order egg rolls

pack two under size

                         46 belt

pass out on the bed

wake up, diarrhea

up stomach of roast beef


binge on bacon

               still chewing

ham hocks at Henry’s Kitchen

back to Piccadilly’s and gobble dumplings

by the plateful

meat wrapped in a napkin & stuffed in purse

swallow shish kabobs with Snapple

ham on toasted bun

grilled cheese on white bread

in a dorm room

steak ‘n eggs

Financial District, Sunday morning

prime example for a glutinous nation

salt sugar animal parts & stir

coffee & cigarettes, Starbucks

drop dead faster

set a place for the homeless & hungry

give ’em cornbread

                     in Somalia

Gumbo, Jambalaya &

                          sweet and sour beef

Bologna, pepperoni for the malnourished

Blacks Jews with potato salad corn on the cob

Stay thin with Powerbar

Pop anotha diet pill

Take a laxative

exercise video

Crowd in the gym

Consume & balloon to

                     A bigga dress size

Binge, purge

Chest pain, sweat

Make room for ice cream

High blood pressure


For Western Civilization consumption

Houses a cookin’

Fish fries in Brooklyn

Bake sales in Queens

Here’s a beer,

Drumstick, have another

And this is a plate of cheesecake you deserve it

I’m in it for some Cock and Ass

I’m in it

For some cock

And ass

I’m in it

For some cock

And ass.

I throw the cock around.

I throw the ass around.

Bend down.

I want some cock.

I want some ass.

I’m in it

For some cock

And ass.

Talkin’ about cock

Speakin’ about ass

Lots of cock.

Masses of ass.

Lots and lots and lots of cock,

Masses beyond masses of ass

Sitting on my face.

Lots of cock coming at ya.

I’m in for some cock and ass


Now Hiring

Today I filled out an application at Pat’s Supermarket

Tony’s Quick Stop is hiring

World Class Beauty is hiring for stylists, but I don’t know a thing about doing hair

There’s a sign outside of Circle K that reads, Looking for Smiling Faces

Bob’s Auto could use a mechanic but I don’t know a radiator from a carburetor

I put in an application at Hobbit Hoagies but they never called.

Bill’s Bookstore needs a bookseller for the spring semester.

The Laundry Room needs laundry attendants.

Vinyl Fever is hiring

Lively Vo-tech is now enrolling

Bagel Bagel is hiring

Subway is looking for people to join their team

Kosta’s is taking applications

Exxon is hiring. I used to work there back when I was twenty-two but quit

Because my boss was an asshole

Wilson’s Barbeque and G & G Restaurant needs prep-cooks

Cash Register Auto Insurance need a receptionist

Stop ‘n Shop is hiring

Day’s Inn needs a desk clerk

Alberton’s needs a baker

I applied for a deli help position

I hear the breakfast cooks at The Village Inn make good money

Zewditu Mart has a help wanted sign in the window but I think they only hire Muslims.

I could be wrong but I don’t think I am

Renegade Barber needs a barber

Fantastic Nails needs a pedicurist

Citgo is hiring and so is Publix

Wal-Mart pays ten bucks an hour

Calico Jacks needs a bar back

China Buffet needs a cook

Applications at Arby’s, Winn-Dixie

Best Western needs an auditor

Border’s needs a barista

New Leaf needs a cashier

Background check at the Nail Trap

Registered at employment agencies

Resume downloaded, printed out for job fairs

I’m leaving tomorrow to teach English in Korea

Frequently Asked Questions about Poems Written about Ham Sandwiches

How many poems about ham sandwiches can I send at one time?

How often can I submit a ham sandwich poem?

Do you accept previously published ham sandwich poems?

Do you accept simultaneously submitted poems about ham sandwiches?

What rights do you ask for when you accept a poem written about a ham sandwich?

Are you strictly someone who likes poems about ham sandwiches?

What do you mean by all poems about ham sandwiches are subject to editing?

Why don’t you accept poems about turkey or corn beef sandwiches?

Do you pay for the ham sandwich poems that are accepted?

I received a letter saying I have made it through the first round of ham sandwich poems being considered. What does that mean?

How quickly will I hear back from you about the status of my poems about ham sandwiches?

What types of poems about ham sandwiches do you accept?

Do you accept poems about egg salad sandwiches?

Do you accept essays or reviews written about ham sandwiches?

Do you accept photos taken of ham sandwiches?

If I have no previously published poems about ham sandwiches to list, can I still submit?

How can I be a guest editor for poems written about ham sandwiches?

Where are your poems about ham sandwiches based?

Do you comment on ham sandwich poems that are rejected?

How short or long can my poems on ham sandwiches be?

Do you accept religious verse about ham sandwiches?

Do you accept rhyming verse about ham sandwiches?

What authors of ham sandwich poetry do you believe exemplify what you are looking for in a poem about a ham sandwich?

Published by Mike Zone

Mike Zone is the former Editor in Chief of Dumpster Fire Press and managing editor of Concrete Mist Press. The author of Screaming in the End: Poems and Stories, Fuck You: A Fucking Poetry Chap, Shedding Dark Places (almost), One Hell of a Muse , as well as coauthor of The Grind and Razorville. A frequent contributor to Alien Buddha Press and Mad Swirl. His work has been featured in: A Thin Slice of Anxiety, Black Shamrock Magazine, Horror Sleaze Trash, Better Than Starbucks, Piker Press, Punk Noir Magazine, Synchronized Chaos, and Cult Culture magazine.

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