VOICES FROM THE FIRE: Catfish McDaris

Drinking with a Talking Booger

The little green man climbed

out of the can and said, “You

are a dumb drunk motherfucker 

if you can see me,”

I shrugged and laughed, “Do

you think you can escape by

drinking horse piss?”

I nodded and chugged a can,

“You’re a sack of shit with 

no guts,” I opened a fresh beer

He jumped up on the can and

unzipped and pissed in the 

opening with his tiny green

slimy stinking pecker

With my machete, I gave him

a split personality, drank nine 

more and blew my nose, I 

wrapped him with snot and

gave them a flush funeral

A pile of mail awaited, a Nobel

Prize notification, my acceptance 

from the Jehovah’s Witnesses,

man of the year from Alcoholics 

Anonymous, acceptance into Mensa,

my Doctorate degree from Harvard,

an invitation to the White House,

nothing of interest.

I Love Lucy

My name is Pancho

I work on a rancho

I earn $2.50 a day

I go home to Lucy

she gives me pussy

and takes my $2.50 away.

The Shoplifter

Sometimes you feel like you’ve 

entered the Twilight Zone, I was 

in this supermarket and I saw a 

stone fox in the condiment aisle 

She opened a bottle of catsup 

and chugged it down, then moved 

down to the pickles and raised her 

brown leather skirt and pulled her 

Panties to one side and started 

shoving gherkins up her vagina, 

she was moaning and groaning 

Then she turned and looked at me 

and said, “I bet you think I’m a sour 

puss” I left my basket and ran like 

the bulls of Pamplona.